This year or maybe even a little longer has been the year of self reflection for a lot. We are stuck inside with our thoughts, our feelings. The worst parts or the best parts of ourselves are showing. I've been wanting to address this topic for awhile now. I feel like it's a common topic that people don't really talk about. I've been gathering my thoughts on it. I've been reevaluating past relationships/friendships and current ones. I'm no stranger to toxic people. I'm sure you aren't either. Sometimes it's so abundantly clear that its toxic and you don't want to, or don't know how to get away from it. Or sometimes it's a sneaky little devil. Something doesn't sit well with you but you ignore it, or you can't put your finger on it.
It's something that I feel like I have dealt with it a lot in my past. I don't think we are equipped as a young person to develop healthy boundaries. To speak up when we our feelings are hurt, when we are offended etc. Then we just grow into those bad habits. We allow people to cross the boundaries and it ends up being a vicious cycle. I can admit that in some of my own cases I initiated relationships or friendships for some other reasons maybe to put a band-aid on some old hurt. I also can admit I allowed others to overstay their welcome in my life. Because I was glutton for punishment. Or maybe I was trying to prove something to that one person or to myself. I'm not sure.
I dove into research. Self help books, The bible, Church sermons. I wanted to know what the bible said not necessarily what the world said about distancing yourself from toxic relationships. I thought there had to be a marriage between the two. It can't be so black and white. "Love all people, forgive all people" doesn't mean allowing them to be in your life. It doesn't mean allow them to continue the pain, abuse, control, the manipulation. No matter who they are. I'm not a big fan on confrontation. But I do believe in addressing
things with a person and allowing them the chance to change. If they
don't its on them its no longer on your shoulders.
I've had several relationships that are toxic, or unhealthy. You don't see it in the beginning or even your own true intentions of starting that relationship. If it was started base on the wrong thing it will eventually grow into a toxic relationship. I had to walk away from several. Maybe it wasn't a healthy situation for both sides and someone needed to be the one to pull the plug. It brought out bad feelings on both sides. Friendships/relationships shouldn't leave you feeling like that at the end of the day. They should lift you up, support you, encourage you, be your own cheerleader. They shouldn't criticize you or tear you down under the guise of love or something else. It shouldn't be an unspoken competition to see who is better. It shouldn't be not telling true feelings or confronting an issue for fear of an argument or backlash or some other consequences.
With all that said I've accumulated a lot of different information on toxic relationships/friendships. How to spot them, how to work through them etc. It's never that easy to just walk away. But your life will be the better for it and maybe even their life.
Harbor Church "Toxic Series"
"When Toxic relationships go unchecked it can imprison our future"
1: Relationships where only one person is in control. {Is my opinion valued? Do I feel like I can never do anything right?}
2: Relationships based on manipulation. {Is this person taking advantage of me?}
3: Relationships based on lies. {Can I trust this person? Or do they have a pattern of deceitfulness?}
4: Relationships where one person always puts their needs first. {They are selfish}
"Red Flags" from Top Buzz Blog
5: "Conditional friendship. We’re friends until I question you in the slightest way, and if I do, the relationship is tanked."
6:"Inability or unwillingness to apologize when they do something wrong. It’s symptomatic of an ego issue that will eventually infect every aspect of your friendship."
7:"Continually feeling like you want to say something but should hold your tongue."
What does the bible say ? - Beliefnet.com
When faced with toxic people.
"Ending these types of relationships can be very scary, and the person
is likely to erupt in anger. Trust God to help you recognize when a
relationship is becoming detrimental to your business, your
spirituality, or the health of your family life. Further trust Him to
give you the courage to end the relationship, and to give you thick
enough skin to take the criticism that you may face for ending the
relationship.
God actually warns us of the many different types of toxic people we might encounter in our daily lives.
Some people we are to avoid friendship with include: the violent man
(Proverbs 16:29, Proverbs 1:10-12), the wicked man (Proverbs 12:26,
Proverbs 4:14-17), the gossip (Proverbs 16:28), the perverse (Proverbs
16:30), those who engage in deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11, Proverbs
2:12), the thief (Proverbs 1:10-19), and the adulterous woman (Proverbs
2:16-19). Furthermore, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells us we should not be
friends with lovers of self, lovers of money, the proud, the abusive,
those disobedient to parents, the ungrateful, the heartless, lovers of
pleasure, etc.
"We are likely to be faced with a toxic relationship sometime in our
lives. This might be someone very close to us, like our own parent, or
someone in leadership such as a boss. Whatever you face, understand that
these relationships are not a blessing from the Lord. When the devil
wants to tear you down, he will send people to do so. Learn that these
types of behaviors are not healthy, and do what is necessary to remove
yourself from the situation."
Psalm 147:3 tells us that God "heals the brokenhearted and binds up
their wounds." Only God's healing power can truly restore peace to a
broken or traumatized heart. As much as we wish that the toxic person
would apologize, there are many times where that simply won't happen.
Only God will be able to truly heal us where we are broken.
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Quotes from "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst
“Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation is optional.”
―
Lysa TerKeurst,
Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions
"My job isn't to fix this person or make them see my side of things. My
job is to obey God by offering an extension of the forgiveness I've been
given. But I can also stay healthy in this situation by remembering
forgiveness doesn't mean giving this person access in my life that sets
me up for destructive patterns." ―
Lysa TerKeurst,
Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions
“Saying “I’m fine” to keep the peace, when we’re really not fine,
isn’t honest. It may seem godly in the moment, but it’s false godliness.
Truth and godliness always walk hand in hand. The minute we divorce one
from the other, we stray from soul integrity and give a foothold to the
instability that inevitably leads to coming unglued.”
―
Lysa TerKeurst,
Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions
“When we have the same thought again, the line of the original
thought is deepened, causing what's called a memory trace. With each
repetition the trace goes deeper and deeper, forming and embedding a
pattern of thought. When an emotion is tied to this thought pattern, the
memory trace grows exponentially stronger.”
―
Lysa TerKeurst,
Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions
“But it is a rare and beautiful thing when we choose to offer love
in situations when most people would choose to scorn or ignore.”
―
Lysa TerKeurst,
Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions
“Friendships are like plowed open fields ready for growth. What we
plant is what will grow. If we plant seeds of reassurance, blessing,
and love, we reap a great harvest of security. Of course, if we plant
seeds of backbiting, questioning, and doubt, we reap a great harvest of
insecurity.”
―
Lysa TerKeurst,
Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions
